UNITED STATES QUAD RUGBY ASSOCIATION

 February, 2005

Spokes Ableman in Birmingham
by Ed Hooper

"Let’s get ready to rumble! – 1.5 rounds of action,” shouted my wise-guy buddy Spokes Ableman.  “In the blue corner, from Birmingham, Alabama, weighing in at “a lot,” Bryan “The Terminator” Kirkland.  And out of the red corner, from San Diego, California, weighing in at “not really all that much,” Jeff “Puff Daddy” Beverly.

“What the hell are you doing Ableman?!” I loudly interrupted.

“What’s with you, Helmet Head?  This was the buzz of the tournament.  Kirkland took a swing at Beverly and hit or tried to hit him in the face; at least that’s the buzz.  He wanted to punch him I’m told but couldn’t get the old quad fist put together fast enough. You know, if Kirkland screwed around too long trying to squeeze a fist together, Beverly would have been un-taped and on the shuttle before anything happened.  So he took a swipe at him going through line”

“Oh, for Pete’s sake.  You’ve started a lot of tournaments out with loads of you know what, but this really tears it.  What does this have to do with rugby Spokes?”

“HH, you are as slow as a Florida retirement bus.  I’ve told you a million times; it’s about the people. 

“You seen “Murderball,” the movie?” 

“I’m going soon, Spokes, why?”

“Well, could you ever have conceived of a more unlikely couple of big-screen stars as Joseph and Zup?  But there they are.  Rock stars.  Come-on!  I’ve told you over and over; it’s about the people.

“Heck, I’ve known Zup for years and this is the first time he’s ever looked in my direction.  He even smiled and talked.  I was worried for a second because maybe all those other times I’ve seen him and I’d worried that he was contemplating ripping my throat out, well, I was concerned that he may have finally made up his mind.  But, no, he was just pleased with the way the film was being received.”

“Spokes,” I said, “you had better find something positive quick or I’m ending this right now.”

“What? That’s positive.  Ok, ok, how about Patty and AJ, the transportation people.   After we underwent our first in “a series of unfortunate events” at the Holier-than-thou Inn.  In the words of Jerry Seinfeld, “they know how to take the reservation; they just don’t know how to keep the reservation.”  Anyway, Patty and AJ came to our rescue when we were turned away from the Inn.  Kinda biblical sounding, ain’t it?” 

“Spokes, please.  The tournament.”

“Whatever you say, HH.  Next stop Montgomery where you leave five pounds heavier than when you get there.”

“What?  That’s next month, Spokes.  Get on track if you’re finished grousing that is.”

“For now.”

“Hey, did you “Murderball-ingtons” play any rugby this weekend?”

“Yes, but we sure as heck wouldn’t know it by your accounts thus far, Ableman.”

“Must you always get so snippy, HH.

“Friday went according to seeds,” Spokes continued.  “No surprises except perhaps TNT’s somewhat lethargic play.  They need some time together.  Portland looked pretty good but Canada and Texas thumped them.  The Swedes, well, they were a large friendly and enthusiastic group in the building stages of their team.  I’m sure they got a lot out of Conveen and the Derby.

“Saturday was Lemony Snicket Day Two for you Hover-Hounders.  It wasn’t bad enough that you played a grueling 5 overtimes against Lakeshore and lost by one.  Each team had chances to win and it wasn’t until overtime number 5 that the local fans could cheer their hometown boys to a win.  As usual, it was Kirkland who scored in the end.  It was the game of the tournament until the very next game.

“The Canadian National Team was next.  And you Lightning boys had only 45 minutes to recoup.  Our old pal and ex-teammate, Dave “Bush” Willsie, was in enemy garb.  It looked wrong somehow. 

“That Canada game will forever be known to me as “Eenie meanie minie moe / Catch the Canucks by the toe / If they holler let them go / Ian Chan made it so / Eenie meanie minie moe.”

“What the hell are you babbling about, Ableman?”

“Where to start.

“Game tied at 19.  Canada’s ball.  Garett Hickling gets called for a vertical spin on Dave Jenkins.  Snicket’s ball.  You all were exhausted, but worked the ball into the front court against a frantic Canadian press, and called “last goal.” Yours to win.  Fabian Levoie fouls with 1:36 left and goes to the box.  You run the whole minute and force Levoie into the Joel Post / Dave Jenkins trap.  Meanwhile, the two Canadian pit bulls, Patrice Simard and Daniel Paradis, trap Ross Morrison, leaving Pat O’Connor and Ian Chan mono on mono.  The Canadian bench is screaming bloody murder now and spanking on their spoke guards in a rhythm they seemed practiced at – the word monkey came to mind if you know what I mean.  It did successfully drown out our countdown, however.  They are evil.  With around 14 seconds left, Patrick rubs Chan off of the pack and has a clear path to the goal.  He scores with just over 10 seconds to go.

“Lemony Lightning retreats to the Key.

“Chan gets the ball deep into the front court with just over 5 seconds to go and calls timeout.

“Subs.

“The Canadians now have 7 guys wandering around in the key area we are defending, setting moving screens to get Hickling and other guys positioned while we’re screaming for them to get all the subbed-for guys off the court.

“Hickling gets posted in the far corner of the key and Chan is the inbounder, roughly 35 feet away.  We manage to get Hickling fronted and backed, but we couldn’t get our big man, Morrison, on the front side (he got picked off in the subbing cluster strategy).

“Chan launches a rainbow, rainmaker.  I watched as it seemed to float surreally through of the air, like it dropped from the rafters and down a two-foot well, it hit Hickling's sure-grip mitt and the battle was on.  At 1.9 seconds left Hickling scores. Game tied 20-20.

“It gets worse.

“Rather than playing safe and going for OT, the Lightning raced toward the other end and Chan picks off a lazy inbound pass, and calls an immediate timeout with 1.5 seconds left on the clock.

“He then repeats what probably Joe Montana, Michael Jordan, and Peyton Manning couldn’t do once out of 50 tries.  He fires the same rainmaker with exactly the same result while we watched from the sidelines both amazed and disgusted at the same time.  It wasn’t bad enough that he did it once; he did it twice.  O’Connor went for a held ball when it was clear Hickling was going in to score only to be called for a penalty goal.   Final score: 21-20. 

“No wonder Chan was tournament MVP.

“Oh, yes, you definitely had them, HH, and let them go.  No eenie meanie about it.”

“Ableman, do you want a drink or something?”

“Scotch sound right.  Don’t put a Molson anywhere near me.”

“So, Spokes, you act like there were no other games.”

“Well, of course there were other games.  Good games, but nothing like those 5 OT’s and that nightmarish Canuck game.

“Texas, speedy and savvy, and led by “Murderball” star Mark Zupan was tough on everyone.  The Canadians got them twice and won by one in pool play and by three in the Championship game.  The Longhorns got down early in the big game and simply couldn’t claw their way back, losing 35-32.

“Lakeshore is a fabulous facility.  Sarasota, anywhere really, could use a facility half or a quarter this size to provide recreation, training, and therapy for people with disabilities.  It is a place to be proud of.

“Naturally, we must always thank the refs, even the visually challenged ones and those who count by twos.

“No tournament can run without volunteers.  These were all great.

“Sponsors included our host Lakeshore Foundation, and Transportation South, IRC Tire Company, Eagle Sportschairs, and Birmingham Coca-Cola Bottling Company.

“Finally our crack team of classifiers, Lauren Rosen, Stephanie Orr, and Tom Lieb.  Thanks.  Great work!

“That’s about it, HH.  Oh, wait a second I almost forgot, the Three Amputee O’s – Bob Lujano, Bobby “Bootsie” Boothby, and their newest member Nick Springer.  Anyway, they were out on center court “high stumping” one another and looking pretty chummy when Bootsie became outraged that the newest member of the Amigos had Teddy Bear decals on his spoke guards.  He was demanding that you scrap them off, HH.”

“Yeah, he was pretty adamant about it too,” Spokes.  “I said, ‘You Amps need to police yourselves.  I can’t get involved in stump justice.’”

“It didn’t sound like Bootsie bought any of that.”

“No, he didn’t.  He was still yelling, ‘scrape those bears off of there,’ as he rolled away disgusted.”

“Well, HH, another good tournament.  I’m off to the movies.  “Murderball.”  This time: a Spokes Ableman review.  Save me some popcorn.”

How to Contact us | Quad Rugby Central Index

Home Page | Rugby Calendar | Sports Page | Score Board | USQRA Zone | Files